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NEW YORK—Huh, I wonder where everyone is, said the emotionally disturbed publishing professional, bringing the high-powered assault weapon down from eye-level and slowly snapping the safety back on. Definitely thought they'd be back from that sandwich place by now.

Man Who Enjoys Popular Rock Songs Discovers Perfect Radio Station | The Onion - America's Finest New
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ROCHESTER, NY—Sean Ridgeway, a 36-year-old carpenter who is fond of popular rock 'n' roll music from the late 1960s to the present, told...

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ROCKFORD, IL—The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs.

The Onion In Focus:
26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving | The
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NEW YORK—Although Jordan McCabe intends to stay at home, he will inevitably grow antsy, drive to a nearby pub and bump into at least five insufferable pricks.

The Onion $10 Tees Through The Weekend at The Onion Store: Like A Mall For Sociophobes

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The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.

The Onion Opinion:
Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis | The Onion - America's Fin
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I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to...

Department Of Needing Transportation: 'Anyone Heading To Tucson This Weekend?' | The Onion - America
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PHOENIX—Stressing that it would be really good to get there by Saturday afternoon, the U.S. Secretary of Needing Transportation issued a formal request Monday stating that he would be happy to tag along on any potential weekend trips to Tucson.

The Onion NEWSWIRE: Overheard Music Indicates New Upstairs Neighbor Either Interesting Woman Or Intolerable Man

'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs | The Onion - America's Finest N
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SCRANTON, PA—After nearly six years on the air, NBC's hit show The Office ended abruptly Thursday when documentary filmmaker Ian...

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The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.

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SAN FRANCISCO—I love it, said Sheena Wulf, a Novellist fromKansas City, MO. If I'm ever sitting in a coffee shop and my sense of alienation and utter detachment from contemporary life provides me ...
















